office space life.

Know what is incredibly frustrating? I just can't do it all.  There just doesn't seem to be enough time in one day to accomplish the things that I want to do.  I'm sick of feeling inadequate.  But the problem goes further than this - if I actually do step up and do the things that I am supposed to do when I am supposed to do them, I have the most dull life in the history of the world.  Literally skull-numbingly dull.  I can't just go to grad school, do all of the grad school homework, be a teacher (not the biggest responsiblity in the world or anything), be a friend, be a brother, be a son, take care of adult responsibilities, do laundry, make my bed, cook myself dinner, put dishes in the dishwasher, practice personal hygiene, clean our house, and take care of mindless errands as my day to day life.  And yes,  I just forgot to include sleeping as a part of that list.

 Yes, I am capable of doing all of the things that I just listed and only doing those things.  But why do they have to co-exist with a fulfilling life?  To preserve my sanity, I feel like I have to slack on that list by going to the gym, watching netflix, spending time on Facebook and Twitter, watching regular TV, playing angry birds, read interesting books, blog, etc.  But then I get caught in this vicious cycle that not completing all of my assigned tasks just takes a giant dump on my mood and life.  It's really less than ideal.

I had such high ambitions for today, and 1st period has so discouraged me that I want to take the rest of the day off and just lay in bed, not responding to any phone calls or texts, and just be. You read that correctly, I just want to be. To exist. To think about nothing.  A la office space.

unfair

i'm so curious about you, mystery blog reader. i'll continue to share my life with you briefly. how was february 18th? you checked out my blog 9 times that day. of course, i'm assuming you are the exact same person every time, which is probably impossible.

currently, i am procrastinating what we in teaching call the "unit plan". we alternatively say "busywork for education and/or graduate level students".

in my entire life, i've never been much of a planner. this, in teaching, is presenting some sort of a problem. i ALWAYS have to be well-planned.  maybe i'm "transitioning to adulthood" as helen, my Teach for America advisor would say, but i still don't really like it.

I had a very candid conversation with my students about why I am a teacher today.  in a couple of classes, it actually went well and served a purpose.  in others, it didn't necessarily mean much. but one student said something today that really taught me a lesson, whether he meant to or not.  i was in the process of describing how i wasn't really aware of what i had until i had some real interactions with a camper that was battling sickle cell anemia, living in Memphis.  but before i got to that, i remarked, something to the effect of, "i had gotten through high school without really trying - i was going to college without really trying, and it all seemed to be because of where and with what resources i grew up." not the exact phrasing, but you get the picture.  of course, i was getting to the point that i previously highlighted - that my naivete to this has actually ignited my passion to help out with educational inequity.  but before i could get those words out, one of my students said,

"but that's not fair."

and you know what? he is right. it is not fair.  it is not fair that some people are dealt the hand where they spend their life in suburban kentucky wearing polo and going to keeneland while others are struggling on the street in chicago.. needless to say, i think we are on the breaking point for a few of my classes.  i just don't think i'll ever be able to get that image out of my head.

"but that's not fair."

blurry monday

Hey, you got a restless heart, beating out on your sleeve.

But I won't let this fire (re)start.

You say love is all that you need.

Well, you're not gonna get it from me.




Life feels a little blurry today.

snapshot

I'm sitting here with a student - he's taking his final exam for summer school. I can't believe I'm here, the last school day of institute.  My eye is twitching due to lack of sleep/computer time/wearing contacts.

"... much will be expected."

So week one of teaching has come to an end... and I love it. I'm co-teaching a 9th grade Algebra class with 4 other TFA corps members (1 from Jacksonville corps, 1 from Detroit corps, 1 from St. Louis corps, myself and 1 other Chicago corps member) and enjoying it a lot - I can't even imagine the luxury of my own classroom for the entire school day with which to develop a culture and mold MINDS! It's one of the most exciting things about August for me. Though I know that shit will have officially hit the fan come August and that I will be tested and prodded and poked and annoyed and tired and irritated, I can't wait.

A little personal assessment for the first week of summer school teaching:
Strengths - lesson planning, teacher voice, command of classroom, relationship building
Areas for improvement - sticking to and enforcement of consequences, pacing of material

This experience has already been one of growth for me - it's very easy to blur the line between teacher and friend for me, because you want to be cool and understand the students, but your job is to make sure they know the information. Definitely an interesting balance that I am sure to struggle with over the next two years in TFA. It hit pretty hard today when we had to kick out one of our students for misbehavior - it turns out that the student had already taken Algebra two times and failed - once in school, once in summer school (removed for misbehavior), and now removed again for misbehavior. The tough part though, is that she has the potential for a soccer scholarship to a nearby university - AND she already has a 25 on her ACT (very uncommon in low-income schools - one school that we visited offered a free iPod touch as a gift for students scoring above 24, and most schools hover around an average of 16). Needless to say, it's hard to go without feeling some sort of personal responsibility for our student being removed from summer school and failing the course again. Honestly, we could have managed behavior better from the get-go, but it would have been a serious challenge for us as first-time teachers. I guess it just lends to a heightened sense of urgency for me during this program, because it is so important that I start developing that culture of achievement in my classroom from day 1. I'm so glad to have been able to get into this profession, because I think it's really my chance to give back - I was extremely blessed with an excellent education, and I intend to have other students not as fortunate or lucky take some of the paths that I myself chose. I'll leave you with a particularly striking quote that I happened upon today:

"To whom much is given, much will be expected."

There's nothing to it.

I want to be an architect. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to get there, but I want to be an architect. I want to design buildings meant to be lived in. And I don't just mean like any old regular building. These buildings will be meant to be LIVED in. Really Living. Not the pretend stuff that we do most of the time. Real intentional living. Frank Lloyd Wright kind of shit. Not sure that I'll quite be on his level, but what is dreaming if you limit yourself. If you want to view paradise, Simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it, Want to change the world? There's nothing to it. Willy Wonka had a good point. Here goes nothin'.

this I believe

In our brief time at Centre, each of us undergoes experiences that begin to define what we believe – or at least that's what we are told.  Until the fall semester of senior year, I lived the life of a pretty normal Centre student: being involved in way too many things, working hard to get decent grades, and developing relationships that I had faith would last beyond my Centre career.  But when that dreaded last “first day of school” came around, I found myself unsatisfied in the all-too-familiar motions of another overcommitted my most-committed semester yet/possible/ever.

Initially, I dropped a few commitments to ease the burden – I just needed to trim the fat, right?  Even if I wasn’t fully invested in my activities, I was obligated to 3 main time consumers, and I would make it work.  Life was pretty decent, and I was enjoying myself when I stopped to breathe every once in a while.  My planner was chock full of meetings to attend, to-do lists, mindless doodles, and the extra homework that comes with two upper level math courses.  And a few weeks into school, I was surviving on multiple cups of coffee per day, but I was making it.  My sleep schedule was all kinds of crazy, and five and a half hours of sleep a night was just enough to keep my eyes open and heart beating.  Nothing really seemed wrong, but then again, nothing really seemed right either.

I won’t forget the conversation that woke me up.  It had been a long day – I was in one of those dungeon practice rooms in Grant basement banging my forehead on the battered keys of a piano when a friend of mine asked one of those “defining-moment” questions:

What are you passionate about?

And I wasn’t sure what to say.

I was a math major that was burning out on math.  I was a fraternity president getting frustrated at my brothers and isolating myself.  I wasn’t interested in what I was studying or reading for class, much less doing any studying or reading.   I was a brother who didn’t always return calls or texts.  I was a son who called home once or twice a month.  I was a piano player who only made music because that was the only way I had found to let others see who I really was.

I had “passions”, but I wasn’t living my life with them.  I pleased other people, continually building up an impossible image for myself to attain.  Though I was “making it work”, I wasn’t living true to myself.

So for the rest of my time at Centre, I have decided to relentlessly pursue my passions by investing myself in the life and world that surround me.

“What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?”

It’s no good – that’s what I believe.