They deserve it.

I'm in a season of uncertainty. 

I'm never really sure what is coming next. 

I found out this week that I've been accepted to two Master of Architecture programs. I finally know that this is an option and find a little comfort in this. 

But what if I don't like it? What if I commit to 3 years of something that I feel like I applied to out of anger at my job and my school. Am I taking the easy way out? Am I a TFA quitter? I mean, I'm definitely going to finish the year at my school. But am I giving up on my students?

I had a feeling last year that has returned. My students often don't respect me enough to be quiet when I have to give instructions, and they certainly do not respect my expectations and intended behavior norms. Last year and up until recently, I would hold this against my students themselves. It's their fault, right? They don't respect me, right?

Well, partially true. 

But mostly untrue. My students don't disrespect me - they just don't know what is necessary for them to succeed in a high school or college classroom. I can tell them all I want about how difficult college is and how hard they need to work, but I have stopped blaming my students themselves for how my classroom normally operates. Frankly, it's not their fault. Yes, they do have a responsibility as a student to learn and exert effort in my classroom. 

But think about it. 

I have at least one student involved in gang activity. At least one that is selling drugs on the streets to support his family. At least one who lost a family member to a disease that could have been stopped. At least one whose parent can't afford glasses for them at the moment. At least one who doesn't have a thick enough jacket for the current frigid temperatures. At least one who is caught in a cycle of failure at school. At least one who can't afford medication for their emotional disorder. 

It's not their fault. 

But now, I find myself between a rock and a hard place. How can I change a system that is so broken by poverty and societal issues? How can I combat these circumstances? What influence do I really have on the lives of my students?

I find comfort in the fact that my students depend on me, but the fact is - I can't change the system on my own. 

Now, this doesn't absolve me of responsibility to do something, but it does relieve the guilt about applying to architecture school.

But I have been educated while attempting to educate. I have been transformed into a person that knows the extent of the system's brokenness. And I can advocate for my students and their futures. I'm not going to save every one of them, but I know that my life and their lives have been impacted by our time together. 

So yeah, I'm still uncertain as to how this year will turn out. But I can't continue to hold on to the feelings of guilt and anger. I have to let them go and focus on making the most of my time left with my students. They deserve it. 

what if.

I wake up every morning and I'm never really sure.  What if I had taken that opportunity in Chicago?

I think back to senior year at Centre.  The tears that streamed down her face as we talked about what going to Chicago would mean for us.  She told me about friends that had done Teach for America, and the horror stories terrified me, but the curiosity was still there.

At that point, I wasn't 100% sure about me and Kelly.  She had definitely changed my life though, for the better.  Our first date was at Old Owl Tavern - we sat on the side porch next to the fireplace at a little wire-grated table for two.  I got a barbecue sandwich and she got a salad, only to later say that she wished that she had gotten barbecue but was too nervous.  I was terrified and in some sort of disbelief that she would come on a date with me.  She was everything that night.  I remember her smile most vividly; it was plastered from ear to ear, and her laugh was contagious and giddy.  We were an unlikely pair, but for some reason, it worked.  We came back to campus that night and I nervously told her I would find her out at the houses.

I don't know why, but I feel like I remember more about her than any other girl I have ever dated.  I remember nervously getting her phone number in front of Pearl about a week prior to our first date.  I remember us taking our first picture together in front of Hillside during one of the first weekends of my senior year.  I remember the SAE president's room and taking pulls of Red Stag with an amazing crew, and Kelly tripping down the stairs next to the founders garden.  She was wearing a black and white dress, and never before had someone so clumsy been so endearing and attractive.

But then I opened that email and my heart sank.  "You have been accepted to Teach for America." Then I saw, "Chicago Region - High School Mathematics." It was exactly what I had wanted, and at the same time, it was exactly what I didn't want.  It was right around November 8th, but I already knew that Kelly and I were going to become something special over the next several months.

I pour another cup of coffee in our apartment.  I bring her a cup of tea and and jump back into bed.  She scratches my scruff and sits up in her oversized t-shirt, crossing her legs and facing me as I sip slowly.  We laugh and she tells me about her dreams from the night before, and I push the loose strands of long brown hair back over her ear.  I think back to holding her in my arms in the foyer of Ruby Cheek house on the night that I turned it down.  I was wearing my Phi Tau sweatshirt, sweatpants and Wallabees, and she was having a Footloose sweatshirt kind of day.  We just stood there holding each other, and I knew that even though it had only been two months, that I was holding onto someone that would be by my side for the rest of my life.

life keeps moving on

Already halfway through the 2nd year as a Teach for America corps member, and so much uncertainty seems to be hanging in the air.  Current options for next year:

1) Rally the strength/courage/perseverance/balls for a 3rd year at UP BRZ
-- pros: kinda know what I'm doing already, kids are sometimes tolerable/awesome/hilarious, salary increase, increased respect from administration, incoming students will be less insane (hopefully), new building, Chicago is awesome, thinking on my feet skills
-- cons: increased chance of burnout, less TFA friends to depend on, continuing to deal with admin and the general craziness that is working at my school

2) Completely different life path: Masters of Architecture programs
-- pros: could potentially stay in Chicago, pursuing something relevant to my interests, learning to draw
-- cons: might have to move out of Chicago, costly, don't know how my application will stack up to others, actually having to complete applications/portfolios/personal statements, not sure if this is exactly what I want to do with my life or exactly how committed I am to following this life path, complete change of direction could be difficult transition

3) Teach at a different school in Chicago or elsewhere
-- pros: potentially less frustrating job all around, fresh start with new students, could potentially stay in Chicago, could lead to future opportunities with TFA
-- cons: leaving my students (while this may be the only con, it holds quite a bit of weight in this decision)

Needless to say I've got a decision on my hands.

I'm sorry

As I finish my first year as a Teach for America corps member, it saddens me that such attacks are being made on the organization that works so tirelessly on behalf of so many students here in Chicago and all over the US. I would, however, like to issue some apologies:

I'm sorry, for graduating with honors from a top 50 liberal arts school and choosing to do a program like Teach for America. I'm ashamed that I did not take my ignorance and my diploma to a graduate school that would have likely propelled me to a desk job for the next forty years of my life. If there's anything that cities like Chicago needs, it's more white male yuppies like me moving to Lincoln Park.

I'm sorry, for accepting a position at a charter school that fights to get African-American young men out of the south side of Chicago and into colleges and universities across the nation. Without my getting in the way, these young men could have had another teacher that isn't passionate about teaching mathematics and its relevance in the real world. Besides, we have to keep jobs aside for teachers that are "veterans", because they are usually more skilled, efficient, and driven teachers.

I'm sorry, that I didn't spend four years of college at $40K per year on a degree that most of society denounces as useless, at least in the way that it is compensated. My deepest condolences go out to you for the hours, days, weeks, months, and now years that I spent learning how to be a better teacher for my students' sake. Shame on me for trying to learn in "five weeks" what it took you four years to learn.

I'm sorry, that my students asked me to come back next year, because I have been one of e few stable male figures in their lives this year. Unfortunately for you, I care about them enough to fight the battle again and again, day after day, with only "five weeks" of training or experience.

I'm sorry, that I gave up living close to my family in the suburbs of Lexington, Kentucky to come to a city like Chicago. Lord knows that the children of suburban Lexington need me more than my current students. I mean, they live in dangerous neighborhoods sometimes too.

And lastly, I'm sorry that my students grew 3 points on their EXPLORE tests this year.

Actually, I'm #notsorry.

Last day with kids, #toomuchfun

perks

"Charlie, don't you get it? I can't feel that.  It's sweet and everything, but it's like you're not even there sometimes.  It's great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn't need a shoulder. What if they need the arms or something like that? You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love.  You just can't. You have to do things."

This is me with all females. Ever.

Woof.

office space life.

Know what is incredibly frustrating? I just can't do it all.  There just doesn't seem to be enough time in one day to accomplish the things that I want to do.  I'm sick of feeling inadequate.  But the problem goes further than this - if I actually do step up and do the things that I am supposed to do when I am supposed to do them, I have the most dull life in the history of the world.  Literally skull-numbingly dull.  I can't just go to grad school, do all of the grad school homework, be a teacher (not the biggest responsiblity in the world or anything), be a friend, be a brother, be a son, take care of adult responsibilities, do laundry, make my bed, cook myself dinner, put dishes in the dishwasher, practice personal hygiene, clean our house, and take care of mindless errands as my day to day life.  And yes,  I just forgot to include sleeping as a part of that list.

 Yes, I am capable of doing all of the things that I just listed and only doing those things.  But why do they have to co-exist with a fulfilling life?  To preserve my sanity, I feel like I have to slack on that list by going to the gym, watching netflix, spending time on Facebook and Twitter, watching regular TV, playing angry birds, read interesting books, blog, etc.  But then I get caught in this vicious cycle that not completing all of my assigned tasks just takes a giant dump on my mood and life.  It's really less than ideal.

I had such high ambitions for today, and 1st period has so discouraged me that I want to take the rest of the day off and just lay in bed, not responding to any phone calls or texts, and just be. You read that correctly, I just want to be. To exist. To think about nothing.  A la office space.