I'm never really sure what is coming next.
I found out this week that I've been accepted to two Master of Architecture programs. I finally know that this is an option and find a little comfort in this.
But what if I don't like it? What if I commit to 3 years of something that I feel like I applied to out of anger at my job and my school. Am I taking the easy way out? Am I a TFA quitter? I mean, I'm definitely going to finish the year at my school. But am I giving up on my students?
I had a feeling last year that has returned. My students often don't respect me enough to be quiet when I have to give instructions, and they certainly do not respect my expectations and intended behavior norms. Last year and up until recently, I would hold this against my students themselves. It's their fault, right? They don't respect me, right?
Well, partially true.
But mostly untrue. My students don't disrespect me - they just don't know what is necessary for them to succeed in a high school or college classroom. I can tell them all I want about how difficult college is and how hard they need to work, but I have stopped blaming my students themselves for how my classroom normally operates. Frankly, it's not their fault. Yes, they do have a responsibility as a student to learn and exert effort in my classroom.
But think about it.
I have at least one student involved in gang activity. At least one that is selling drugs on the streets to support his family. At least one who lost a family member to a disease that could have been stopped. At least one whose parent can't afford glasses for them at the moment. At least one who doesn't have a thick enough jacket for the current frigid temperatures. At least one who is caught in a cycle of failure at school. At least one who can't afford medication for their emotional disorder.
It's not their fault.
But now, I find myself between a rock and a hard place. How can I change a system that is so broken by poverty and societal issues? How can I combat these circumstances? What influence do I really have on the lives of my students?
I find comfort in the fact that my students depend on me, but the fact is - I can't change the system on my own.
Now, this doesn't absolve me of responsibility to do something, but it does relieve the guilt about applying to architecture school.
But I have been educated while attempting to educate. I have been transformed into a person that knows the extent of the system's brokenness. And I can advocate for my students and their futures. I'm not going to save every one of them, but I know that my life and their lives have been impacted by our time together.
So yeah, I'm still uncertain as to how this year will turn out. But I can't continue to hold on to the feelings of guilt and anger. I have to let them go and focus on making the most of my time left with my students. They deserve it.
