Dear everyone posting pictures of your animals in holiday-themed animal costumes beneath the Christmas tree saying, "_________ is getting in the Christmas spirit!",

Your animal has no idea that it's Christmas. 

Sincerely,

Jealous No-Pet Owner Yet Still Won't Subject My Future Dog to This Phenomenon

not with haste

your eyes they tie
me down so hard
i'll never learn to put up a guard

so keep my love
my candle bright
learn me hard oh learn me right

this ain't no sham
i am what i am

though i may speak
some tongue of old
or even spit out some holy word

i have no strength
from which to speak
when you sit me down and see i'm weak



we will run and scream
you will dance with me
they'll fulfill our dreams and we'll be free

we will be who we are
and they'll heal our scars
sadness will be far away




so as we walked
through fields of green
was the fairest sun i'd never seen

and i was broke
i was on my knees
you said yes as i said please

this ain't no sham
i am what i am
i leave no time
for a cynic's mind




we will run and scream
you will dance with me
they'll fulfill our dreams and we'll be free

we will be who we are
and they'll heal our scars
sadness will be far away




do not let my fickle flesh go to waste
as it keeps my heart and soul in its place
i will love with urgency but not with haste



#oof #rightinthefeels

holy vocals and procrastination week

i have accomplished the following items this week:

- completing my final assignment for Design Visualization (class #1 complete)
- completing my final essays for my history class (class #2 complete)

still awaiting completion:
- final submission for construction tech (Wednesday 5 PM) (class #3)
- final presentation/model/board for studio (Friday) (class #4)

in addition, i have managed to find time to complete all of the following procrastinatory items:
- creating a LinkedIn profile (which will technically be useful at some point)
- making a list of Chicago architecture firms
- making a list of buildings that i want to see, worldwide (to be gradually revisited)
- cleaning my apartment (which really actually did need to happen)
- eating all the snacks (#teamgoldfish)
- buying alcohol for this weekend
- reading a book for a book club (which is actually about structures/architecture)
- watching 11 episodes of "The Good Wife" in one day (shouts out to Saturdays)
- emailing a christmas list to my parents (complete with a few hours of internet research)
- online shopping/browsing for others' christmas gifts
- creating a thorough weekend itinerary for my upcoming trip to chicago
- reading nearly every buzzfeed article that is remotely relevant to my life
- taking nearly every buzzfeed quiz that is remotely relevant to my life
- youtube binge-ing, which brought me through the following collection of videos:
beyonce via facebook started it all - i can't resist her voice/sexy. then i started wondering if a good cover of it existed, enter Mackenzie Johnson (the most-viewed cover of Jealous):

then i spent about 30 minutes listening to her videos.. only because girl got PIPES and hella videos:
which led me to this gem:

which was impressive and made me very jealous. then i looked up the original of the above song but it sadly reminded me that Eric Hutchinson stopped recording good music a long time ago and that the only way to listen to him is via live album or actually live. RIP non-pop-sounding Eric Hutchinson... also in all of the live videos of him, bro looks COKED OUT. Dude, I'm not sure what you're using, but they make Visine and other things for that. Maybe he's been wearing the same pair of 2-week contacts for like 3 months? Can't say I'm not guilty of that last one.  All this reflection on my old musical tastes got me thinkin about good ol Ben Rector (who still, fortunately, is making good music and is also excellent live). Which brought me over to his youtube channel to make sure he isn't releasing any music any time soon.

Unfortunately, nothing posted BUT it brought me back to one of my favorite covers of all time:

wowza. great song, great cover. now i want to go sing.

(continuing list of procrastination activities)
- writing this blog post...

9/18/14 - part II

Coming up on my first "final critique" tomorrow and I'm REALLY nervous.  I'm pretty sure I can get the work completed, but I'm just not sure what to expect during the actual situation.  I've put in the time and the project looks okay right now (hopefully to change for the better in the next 24 hours) but it's just nerve-wracking to have people critique your work in general.  There is a competitive nature to our program in general, but a lot of the competition is often comparing apples to oranges because our projects are so different and unique.  There's also a pretty constant pressure to stay in the studio and work forever, but I really have to tune out everyone else when I'm there in order to be productive. Thankfully, the stress will be over in about 30 hours. 

9/18/14

After finishing my time with Teach for America in Chicago this past June, I've had some time to process what exactly happened over the past two years.  While I did move on from teaching, it is safe to say that TFA created an awareness in me of just how valuable learning from other people really can be (especially those with backgrounds different from my own).  I have always been interested in how the design of buildings shapes our lives (hence starting architecture school), but it wasn't really until I had experienced a community different than that which I had always known did I really understand how pivotal these perspectives could be.  It took me a long time as a teacher to stop being angry with my students themselves, and start realizing that it is really the brokenness of Chicago that is fueling the anger and frustration of that student who doesn't give a shit about the math homework I just assigned. Maybe an extended way to say it, but we all need a little perspective. 

Press Pause Play

If you've got an extra hour and a half on your hands, watch the following documentary:
Press Pause Play

I'm really enjoying our Design Visualization class. It seems a little abstract at the moment, but I like the direction of the conversation. We watched the first part of the documentary above in class - it discusses the accessibility of technology and how we have created a world where just about anyone can produce music and movies that were only made possible in complex (and expensive) studios just decades ago. This comes at a cost; now that anyone can upload a high "quality" video to YouTube or create a decent mix on GarageBand, everyone is doing it.  And in doing this, we're creating a lot of "noise" that's making the music and film industry quite interesting.

The documentary claimed that filmmakers such as Scorsese or Spielberg wouldn't be able to navigate the amount of noise in today's culture.  That they wouldn't have "made it".  The concept of "making it" is very intriguing to me, because it's one of the things that drives a lot of what I do.  That being said, I have no earthly idea what "making it" entails - is it a certain pay grade? walking into the corner office in a skyscraper on the first day of a new promotion? garnering national attention for a building, in whatever capacity? I spend a lot of time fantasizing about "making it" but I haven't really figured out my aims in switching career paths.  Don't get me wrong - I know I made the right choice in starting architecture school, but I'm just trying to reflect and make sense of it all.

I think about architects like Daniel Burnham (forgive me, I just finished Devil in the White City by Erik Larson).  I know it explained his history in the book, but I don't understand how one really gets to the point of being entrusted with the design of a World's Fair.  I'd like to think that good people skills puts one person ahead of the next, but is that really what it takes? That and a splash of creativity, I guess.  Ultimately, most architecture programs run the same gamut of courses and internships and studios, so our training should rank us about the same, theoretically.  So then, do I just need to be a smooth talker to work my way to the top? One has to wonder how these people found their way into the history books, and how many people just as talented didn't "make it" because of mere circumstances?  Movies and the media fantasizes our American dream enough to make us all believe that we can "make it" (depending on your definition, of course).

Another part of me likes to think that just smarts and skills allow you to "make it".  In this sense, even if I didn't "make it", I could rationalize continuing the chase for success (I'm somewhat naively optimistic at times - though I don't regret it).

Til next time, I'll keep chasing it.

A special place

I think I'm just finally realizing what this magical place in the middle of nowhere really did for us.

What was it about Centre that made life so special?  During the lowest moments of my college career, I couldn't stand how much I loved it there.  I spent a night on a futon in the Nevin apartment during the unofficially official hell week for my fraternity.  There weren't any blankets, so I made a half-hearted blanket with the wool coat that I was wearing.  I think I might have also been sleeping in business attire for a fraternity meeting earlier that night.  I had homework running out my ears but I didn't care - I was going to make it to the end of that six weeks.  I had to carry a notebook, a lighter, gum or mints, and at least 2 writing utensils at all times. I couldn't walk on the grass. And despite the loathing that my mind told me to feel, I loved my brothers, and I was going to make it. And that was that.

But what was it about that place? I like to think that everybody that goes to Centre experiences its special-ness in some way or another.

I hope that everyone had that feeling I got when walking away from a really good class.  Mine were usually French or math classes when this happened - I'd leave class for lunch at Cowan and just couldn't get my mind off of what had just happened. Maybe just the thrill of learning with people that really wanted to learn. Sure, Centre created a competitive bunch of jerks when Dean's List came out at the end of the semester, but we learned.  And yeah, everyone put on the facade of being a leader or being a jock or having it all together, but really, we're all just trying to make it in our own ways.  When I was a freshman, there was an RA in my building that I started to get to know because he was in a fraternity that I was interested in joining.  I found out that he was not only in a fraternity, but a member of the Student Judiciary, had a girlfriend, was doing two majors, and played intramural sports on the side.  I remember thinking - "Man this guy has his life together! I wish I could be like him! Maybe in a few years I'll be in his shoes."

A few years went by and I looked back on that guy, who had since become one of my closest friends at Centre when I joined the same fraternity as him.  By coincidence, I happened to be assigned to live in the same room that he lived in when I had so revered his status a few years prior (I had since joined the RA staff).  I looked back on all of the things that I had thought were critical to success, and I realized - he absolutely did not have it together, and neither does anyone, for that matter.

I hope everyone got to experience the joy of a slow Friday afternoon on campus when the sun slowly made its way to the railroad tracks by the warehouse after a long week.  We'd get Chinese food and hang out on the front porch of the house and just relax, because Friday nights at the Phi Tau house usually always sucked - there wasn't any fighting it.  But it was okay because you could always find someone to play ridiculous 90s, early 00s jams in the chapter room with - you could always find someone just as weird as you to watch Mulan on an uncomfortable futon with - you could always find someone to go on a late night McDonalds or Taco Bell run with, and you didn't have to have drinks to enjoy that. I like to think that people at other colleges couldn't find people as weird as Centre students on a slow Friday night.

I hope everyone felt the energy of the houses on a night where everything just seemed to go right - you met at a party, took a picture together, got the phone number, the whole deal.  I remember being on the outside of this during my freshman and sophomore years - I didn't know much of anything about girls and I was usually there to be the sober monitor. I didn't drink a drop of alcohol until I went abroad during the spring of sophomore year.  When I turned 21, I started to question my views against drinking.  I started slow, but I developed a taste for wine and eventually bourbon (it took me until after college to really like beer).  Once things really got going during senior year, I made some mistakes, as alcohol usually inclines us to do.  I'd say that I regret these things - except I don't.  I don't regret gaining an understanding of how much is too much (though I definitely regretted it in the moment). I don't regret pushing it too far, because otherwise I wouldn't know my limit.  I don't regret being pressured to take that extra shot, because I now know how to say no when I'm faced with the same situation.  Centre somehow created this environment where everyone was looking out for everyone - let's be honest, the RAs like to party just as much as any other Centre student.

On the opposite end, I had some dark days at Centre.  I had days where all I really wanted to do was hide in Grant basement and play piano.  The anxiety of finding friends in Cowan, that upcoming test that you knew you'd have to humble yourself to the mercies of the professor and their office hours in order to pass (after formulating intelligent questions about the homework that seems to be in another language), being excluded from someone's dinner plans at Guady's (probably a blessing to your intestines in retrospect); these might have seemed trivial and insignificant at the moment, but we know how stressful and difficult these moments were.

But was that the extent of our worry? A little high-schoolish FOMO or fear of embarrassment on a test? Looking back on these worries, I would gladly spend a night solo on campus as a student or bomb an exam than worry about the real world.

I know that everyone didn't experience the things I'm talking about, but I really hope so.  I look back on those four years that now seem so long ago, even when I'm only two years out, and I see such a different me than the little boy that moved into Caldwell House in the fall of 2008.  I'm not really even sure when it happened - I realized that there were people just as weird as me and it stopped bothering me.  After graduating from Centre, I learned something very quickly - trusting people to really care about you is difficult in the real world.  When this happens at Centre, it is momentary; you'll eventually find out that the friend you've been trying to contact has just been napping for 3 hours and not ignoring your text messages.  The reparation is swift, and you can ease in the fact that there are people who have your back, all the time.

Not so true in the real world.  It took me some time to understand this in the real world, because I had been so spoiled by the nature of Centre College. I didn't understand people that didn't invest in me like I had in them.  People took advantage of it, whether knowingly or not.

After a few years though, it's all starting to make sense.  I've since moved a little closer to home and started to realize - the Centre connection sticks with you.  The people that I truly care about have experienced those true learning experiences, those slow Friday afternoons, the wild Saturday nights, and the dark and stormy days of doubt. And it's not that other people haven't experienced any of this - they just weren't around the same kind of people for those formative years of their lives.  They didn't experience such a special place.

I've recently begun watching House of Cards on Netflix.  The main character, Frank Underwood, gives a speech at his alma mater upon having a library dedicated in his name.  In a moment of nostalgia, he describes moments on campus as that of harmony - a brief moment where everything seems to align and create that musical magic that our ears are so intent to receive.  While it may seem cliché, I've started to liken that emotion to my years at Centre - the time now seems so brief, but there's no denying that the moments were magical.

well i'm here?

So I moved to Cincinnati.

I'm not sure if I exist because I have no friends. well, a few friends, but really nothing to do at home other than unpack my stuff and eat. and eat some more. so there's that.

I'm currently in this stage that fluctuates between being paralyzed by fear of not liking architecture school and being extremely happy with my decision to move. it's an interesting place. kind of like a "hurry up and wait" scenario because school doesn't really start for a few weeks and I'm just sitting around twiddling my thumbs and doing things that I haven't had time to do in forever like play piano or read.  i'm pretty sure i've made the right decision; i just want things to hurry up and happen.

i want to start school and become completely engrossed in what i'm studying.

while we're at it - goals that i've been mulling over:
- get an internship at a firm in Chicago
- get an internship at a firm in NYC
- move back to Chicago semi-permanently
- weight back to 180

Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.
-Karim Seddiki

Much needed words at a bittersweet time like this. 

Pros and cons

option 1 - go to the University of Cincinnati to pursue a MArch degree and crush life

pros

- at one of the best programs in the nation for the field

- really liked the visit/staff/experience/building

- co-op program with internship experience

- close to home

- already know some people in cincinnati

- campus/facilities

cons

- STUDENT LOANSx10000000

- paying off student loans for eternity

- moving/finding apartments

- student loans forever
- probably can't go to europe

option 2 - remain teaching in Chicago, at UP or elsewhere

pros

- easy option with lots of things already figured out

- getting paid $50k instead of paying invisible $50k that i do not actually possess

- relationships with students

- close with coworkers

- new school building?
- going to europe

cons

- continuing to have to deal with the daily crap at UP

- community

- crazy students

- forfeit $500 deposit to UC

just another manic

I'm losing steam.

I hate my job. I hate my students. I hate everything.

Ok, maybe a little too much.

I might actually hate my job. Or at least my workplace. It gives me so much anxiety and negative energy that I can hardly stand it.  The days that I spend away from it are overwhelmingly calm and incredible.  The reason I say might is that there is like one day per week that I think it might be different.  And then I get shat upon again and we're back to square one.

I don't hate my students.  I hate their situation and I hate that they feel like they have to act a certain way to be accepted.  I hate pencil thieves, hot tempers, foul language, never studying, entitlement, and broken copiers.  I probably hate broken copiers most of all.

I don't hate everything.  Things I don't hate:

Einstein bros coffee.
My room.
The prospect of going to grad school.
The thought of weekends to come.
Wine/beer.
Thai-fried rice with chicken, no onions.
Chocolate chip bagels with honey almond.
Dogs.
Kentucky (in all senses of the word)
Architecture.
My family.

I think I might be onto something with this new career thing.

some days are better than other days, but these days, life is better with you.

They deserve it.

I'm in a season of uncertainty. 

I'm never really sure what is coming next. 

I found out this week that I've been accepted to two Master of Architecture programs. I finally know that this is an option and find a little comfort in this. 

But what if I don't like it? What if I commit to 3 years of something that I feel like I applied to out of anger at my job and my school. Am I taking the easy way out? Am I a TFA quitter? I mean, I'm definitely going to finish the year at my school. But am I giving up on my students?

I had a feeling last year that has returned. My students often don't respect me enough to be quiet when I have to give instructions, and they certainly do not respect my expectations and intended behavior norms. Last year and up until recently, I would hold this against my students themselves. It's their fault, right? They don't respect me, right?

Well, partially true. 

But mostly untrue. My students don't disrespect me - they just don't know what is necessary for them to succeed in a high school or college classroom. I can tell them all I want about how difficult college is and how hard they need to work, but I have stopped blaming my students themselves for how my classroom normally operates. Frankly, it's not their fault. Yes, they do have a responsibility as a student to learn and exert effort in my classroom. 

But think about it. 

I have at least one student involved in gang activity. At least one that is selling drugs on the streets to support his family. At least one who lost a family member to a disease that could have been stopped. At least one whose parent can't afford glasses for them at the moment. At least one who doesn't have a thick enough jacket for the current frigid temperatures. At least one who is caught in a cycle of failure at school. At least one who can't afford medication for their emotional disorder. 

It's not their fault. 

But now, I find myself between a rock and a hard place. How can I change a system that is so broken by poverty and societal issues? How can I combat these circumstances? What influence do I really have on the lives of my students?

I find comfort in the fact that my students depend on me, but the fact is - I can't change the system on my own. 

Now, this doesn't absolve me of responsibility to do something, but it does relieve the guilt about applying to architecture school.

But I have been educated while attempting to educate. I have been transformed into a person that knows the extent of the system's brokenness. And I can advocate for my students and their futures. I'm not going to save every one of them, but I know that my life and their lives have been impacted by our time together. 

So yeah, I'm still uncertain as to how this year will turn out. But I can't continue to hold on to the feelings of guilt and anger. I have to let them go and focus on making the most of my time left with my students. They deserve it. 

what if.

I wake up every morning and I'm never really sure.  What if I had taken that opportunity in Chicago?

I think back to senior year at Centre.  The tears that streamed down her face as we talked about what going to Chicago would mean for us.  She told me about friends that had done Teach for America, and the horror stories terrified me, but the curiosity was still there.

At that point, I wasn't 100% sure about me and Kelly.  She had definitely changed my life though, for the better.  Our first date was at Old Owl Tavern - we sat on the side porch next to the fireplace at a little wire-grated table for two.  I got a barbecue sandwich and she got a salad, only to later say that she wished that she had gotten barbecue but was too nervous.  I was terrified and in some sort of disbelief that she would come on a date with me.  She was everything that night.  I remember her smile most vividly; it was plastered from ear to ear, and her laugh was contagious and giddy.  We were an unlikely pair, but for some reason, it worked.  We came back to campus that night and I nervously told her I would find her out at the houses.

I don't know why, but I feel like I remember more about her than any other girl I have ever dated.  I remember nervously getting her phone number in front of Pearl about a week prior to our first date.  I remember us taking our first picture together in front of Hillside during one of the first weekends of my senior year.  I remember the SAE president's room and taking pulls of Red Stag with an amazing crew, and Kelly tripping down the stairs next to the founders garden.  She was wearing a black and white dress, and never before had someone so clumsy been so endearing and attractive.

But then I opened that email and my heart sank.  "You have been accepted to Teach for America." Then I saw, "Chicago Region - High School Mathematics." It was exactly what I had wanted, and at the same time, it was exactly what I didn't want.  It was right around November 8th, but I already knew that Kelly and I were going to become something special over the next several months.

I pour another cup of coffee in our apartment.  I bring her a cup of tea and and jump back into bed.  She scratches my scruff and sits up in her oversized t-shirt, crossing her legs and facing me as I sip slowly.  We laugh and she tells me about her dreams from the night before, and I push the loose strands of long brown hair back over her ear.  I think back to holding her in my arms in the foyer of Ruby Cheek house on the night that I turned it down.  I was wearing my Phi Tau sweatshirt, sweatpants and Wallabees, and she was having a Footloose sweatshirt kind of day.  We just stood there holding each other, and I knew that even though it had only been two months, that I was holding onto someone that would be by my side for the rest of my life.